Geneffects: July 2005

Darwinian Rhythms

I've started a podcast called Darwinian Rhythms which will have a new evolving drum beat every day!

Destiny's Child

I totally forgot to write about how the Destiny's Child show went! It was their last tour, so both shoes came off so to speak. Beyonce is wasted, as usual: "I'm getting hammered! It takes a few! How many does it take for you to get haaaamered?" And where is that accent from, anyway? Isn't she from Ohio or something? Well, wherever, she sounds like Dudley Moore in the Arthur movies. "We could put out an album every fucking day," she screams. Then Beyonce goes off on some tirade about how once Destiny's Child quits touring it'll be the end of indy rock. I mean, what?? By the end their sixty-song set list she's so wasted she ends up urinating off the side of the stage.

Or am I thinking of GBV?

Best Blog Entry

Someone wants me to submit my best blog entry by Sunday and I'm having a difficult time picking. I've got my top ten, so it'd be a huge help if you'd comment and let me know which ones of these you like the most.

Song A Day Podcast

Billy is writing a song a day and I set up a blog/podcast where he is publishing them! I made the hip-hop beat and provided many lyrics for this birthday song for Karen. (Only a week 'till my b-day!)

Fire at the Cat's Cradle

Without warning there's the sound of a large explosion and the lights around the block go out! I'm sitting in the ticket window to let fans of Jaguares know that band had been rescheduled for October 2nd. Thank goodness they were as, I would soon find, the show for sure would have been canceled anyway. Another explosion! I see sparks shooting from a nearby transformer! Fire! I grab the fire extinguisher and run to the base of a telephone pole where flames had broken out. "This is stupid," I say to myself. If this was caused by a downed line I'm putting myself at tremendous risk. But then I remembered... "Risk" I my last name! I quench the burning flames with my soothing carbon di-oxide.... then I see it. That was the smaller of the two fires. Another one was raging at the back corner of the Cat's Cradle. Without thought I approach it.... "O... M.... G!" This was not a normal burning fire... no, more a jet-of-flame-shooting-out-of-the-gound-let's-move!-this-place-is-gonna-blow! kind of fire. I run back to the Cradle to call the fire dept when I see a kid using his camera phone to snap footage. "Is that a camera phone," I say. "Would you mind using that thing to actually call some people right now?"

Customer Service

Ah, customer service! A couple of days ago I spent about an hour on the phone helping a family understand that the password for MuSing that I sent them in no way works as the password for WinZip. Still nothing has topped the repetetive hilarity of this email exchange:

Hi Brian,
I'm sorry, but this software is not what I expected. I am messing with right now. And reading up on it on what does what? It is easy to understand, but it just isn’t for me. Sorry, but I am not satisfied with this software. Go ahead and just give m my refund, as I know for sure that this software is not going to satisfy my music needs. Is that ok?
Brian,
How long will the refund take? And will it just be credited to my credit card, or how will that work? Please let me know because I do want my refund as I am not satisfied with the software. Thanks.
Brian,
Please email me back. And let me know about my refund, ok? Thanks.

I get all of the guy's emails, but it's the end of the day and I do not have time do his refund, so I send this email:

[person's name],
Office hours are past. I will get to your refund tomorrow.

These emails are waiting for me the next day:

Thank you.
Just wanted to remind you of my refund, thanks.
Brian,
Please let me know if you took care of my refund today. And is it going to be credited back to my credit card or how do yall handle refunds?
Hi Brian,
I am emailing you to see what is going on with my refund? Please email me back to let me know what is going on with it. I have been checking my credit card activity and still no refund. When should I be getting my refund?
Hi Brian,
What is going on with my refund that you said you would take care of? I have been emailing over and over and you just don’t respond to my emails. All I wanted to know was when I was getting my refund. And when I am to expect my refund. Please respond to my email and let me know. I know you have received all my emails because I requested a delivery receipt. You stated I could get my refund if I wasn’t happy with the product. And I told you I was unhappy with the product and not even close to be satisfied. You said ok, and you never got to my refund and never responded to my emails after that. I need my refund. So please email me back ASAP. I will expect an email tomorrow in the afternoon, so please email. I have not even been rude to yall or anything, and you still continue to treat me like my concerns don’t matter. This bothers me how you conduct business. I really hope you don’t treat your customers like this. I am sure you don’t, so please email me back and give me my refund that you said I could get.

Priceless!

Durham Bulls

At the very last minute Josh decided that it would a good idea for him and Tyler to go with Brandon and me. We all ended up getting to the stadium a little late, but in baseball time that only amounted to one and a half innings. The game was great! One of those bases loaded, three balls, two strikes, two outs kind of situations happened and the crowd stated going nuts! "Go, B.J.! WE BELIEVE IN YOU!" And the guy ends up hitting a solid double, an event which may prove to be the best moment in his life.

Then a few innings latter we get to watch the manager of the other team do one of those stereotypical getting-really-pissed-at-the-umpire routines with a lot of wild gesticulation and kicking of dirt on home plate. It was great 'cause it was just like a movie! Still, I felt I had to play it down to Brandon and be all, "it's amazing that a man of his age still has no control over his emotions."

Later the crowd gasps as the opposing team's batter hits the ball directly at the pitcher who not just catches it, but somehow absorbs the ball into his body. He just stood there for a moment as the entire team gathered around him then resumed the game, business as usual.

By the end of the day I felt like life was a success. Brandon and Tyler got along splendidly; I hope the four of us can do more together in the future. Also I realized that I have been reconnected with my humanity - the world is tactile and real for me again!

PS - you all are coming to my party at the Local 506 this August 3rd.

New Blog in Town

I l0v3 th1s 1d3a! Forward all of those annoying chain emails you get to center@ourmemorybox.com and they will be posted to RE: FWD, the newest archive blog by genius/romeo Lance McCord. You know the emails of which I speak as we all have a relative or friend who is obviously easily ammused by whatever comes into their inbox and then sends it to you with some comment like "LOL!!! HOPE THIS BRIGHTENS YOUR DAY!!!!!".

This is Hardcore!

Rawr!
Rawwrrr!
Argh Rar Rarr!
Arrrrghh!
rargh skraw bruh!
nooooo!

Skinjas

The sword slices through the air and strikes the man's arm with a CLANG!

"Clang?"

"Yes, my skin is covered with a layer of protective ninjas! I call them my 'skinjas!'"

"They look more like body lice."

"Have fun with your sideburns, motherfucker!"

Blog's First Anniversary

As of June 11th, 2004 my official blog began. The top 10 most popular posts of the year:

Thanks to all of my commentators. Three cheers for one of the most emotionally turbulent years ever!

Driving Directions to Atlanta

The AI they have for mapping software these days makes for eerily conversational driving directions:

So you're driving down interstate 85. Some general stuff: Atlanta is bounded by a loop: I-285. Inside 285, I-85 and I-75 merge and run together through midtown and downtown as a behemoth called The Connector. Atlanta's development began in the early 19th century as a railroad hub. "Peachtree" is actually a corruption of "pitch tree," which was an element in Cherokee Indian rituals.
So you're driving down interstate 85. Once you're inside 285, you've probably got about 7 or 8 miles before things start to get serious. The deal is that the exit you want is going to appear right at the 75 - 85 merge, so you should be on your toes as soon as you start seeing signs for 75.
Your exit will be labeled: 10th, 14th and 17th Streets, Techwood Dr.
It is exit number 84.
The very long exit ramp (it's really Techwood Dr.) features a number of stoplights that will dump you off on various streets. Keep your eyes ahead for signs marking the lanes that continue to 10th street -- specifically, 10th St. East (which is a left turn).
Did you turn left on 10th? Whew! It's all easy from here.
Major Streets You Cross:

Williams
Spring
W Peachtree St. NW
Peachtree St. NE
Juniper
Piedmont (lovely Piedmont Park will be coming up on your left).

At some point you will notice that 10th dead ends into Monroe. Two lanes will turn left, one goes right. You'll be happiest in the right left turn lane (aka the middle lane). Take the left.
I would say take the third right, but that would be confusing. How about "take a right onto Cresthill, the first truly residential-looking street off Monroe."

Atlanta, Athens

Atlanta is being marketed to various convention organizers as being a good place to hold your event because the city is "distraction free," that is, there aint a lot of shit to do. I kinda believe it. After loitering in front of the Coke museum and in the CNN atrium I felt sated with the City.

Visited Ian McCord in Athens. The big news of the day was that Tight Pockets, their collective practice space, was being condemned.

A golden moment happened today when a gentleman was walking and using his umbrella as a vanity cane when suddenly the tip of the umbrella goes into the crack of a side walk and in the next stride it breaks free of his grip to stand upright on its own as the man walks on. The man pauses a moment realizing that he has lost something. The scene couldn't have been funnier if were in a Chaplain movie and it made me feel that at that moment the Universe was created just for me to witness that.

Grabbing a Bull by its Horns and Kissing it on the Lips

3:30 - 8:00 Hauled amps at Eno festival
9:00 - 10:00 Ate 3.5 brats at Kemp's
10:30 - 1:30 Had a great time singing along to "Bad Manners" w/ Evil Wiener @ The Cave (no Spoony!) Shot some stick with Candace and David.
1:30 - 2:00 OCSC
2:30 - 3:30 Skinny dipping with Billy, Candace
3:30 - 5:00 More drinking
5:00 - 6:00 Walking around Carrboro ghetto playing unplugged electric guitar
6:00 - 8:00 trek w/ Billy to get more beer @ Chapel Hill Harris Teeter All transportation this night is via foot, so getting from one place to another takes a while.
- @ Padget Station - "'P is for Porn," eh? that reminds me of this 900 number. '1-900-976-PEEE because the extra "E" is for extra "P"'".
- outisde of Bruger's Bagels - "Hey man, if you're so happy, why don't you go in there and buy me a toasted cinamon bagel," the guy says to Billy. He asked just the right person at just the right time. Billy bought breakfast for three bums at Bruger's.
- outside of Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe Billy chats up a beggar and buys him a Mountain Dew
8:00 - 10:00 killing time on a friend's porch. Go back to HT to buy some masking tape. Return to porch. Friend comes back. "Well, I'm going to go inside and have sex with this guy, so I'll see you two later."
10:00 - 12:00 back to Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe. On the way left masking tape dead-guy outlines in front of Horace Williams house as well as on the porch of Delta-Delta-Delta sorority. @ YOWS invited Annie to join us. Billy buys her breakfast. Billy and I treat her like gold. She works at Whole Foods, is class of 2004, recently turned 21, volunteers @ UNC hospitals, sings in a choir, her softball team took the silver in the most recent special olympics and she's got a wicked sense of humor.
12:00 - 4:00 Check out Virgin Suicides from UNC lib. lunch w/ C-Li, Billy @ Weaver St. Market. Watch some Virgin Suicides.
4:00 - 7:00 hang with Brandon. Swimming. Groceries at Harris Teeter. Make salad.

Woah

Seriously.... 4 realz!!! (More later... probs tomorrow.)

Zen Frisbee, Mindless Self Insulgence, The Fourth

Aided the moms in the final throes of her one-over move. I found a box containing old music memorabilia (club schedules, old tix (Radiohead!)). In it was responses to some fan letters (!) I wrote to a Carrboro band, Zen Frisbee. 1995 hit me in the face later in the evening when I found that ZF were holding a reunion show at The Cave. There was some guy passed out in a booth at the cave. Not unusual, but then Amanda nudges me and points out that the guy had unzipped his pants and was unconsciously stroking his hog. To my complete shock Amanda grabs a beer and pours it on the guys crotch. Alyssa expressed her awkwardness at having unknowingly straddled his exposed crotch so I pull his 200+ pound body out of the booth and take him outside. ZF put on a good show. It was great to see Ann there - especially apropos considering it was 0701.

Mindless Self Indulgence played to a crowd of young vampires Saturday. While their goth metal was staccatically chirping I was busying my mind with thought experiments regarding the mechanisms required for the origin of successful cooperative behavior. Mops were set on fire. Hyper-pregnant moms were smoking. A girl got her ass signed by the guitarist then spends the rest of the night making out with the obscene french clown of a singer (think Roberto Benigni on meth) while her boyfriend looks on awkwardly. Out of nowhere Mary stops by after work and we go for a bike ride.

Looking forward to seeing how the Fourth shapes up. Helping Kemp with Eno Festival then basking in Evil Wiener at the cave. (Hv ben nstlgc 4 d tym whn 1 wuz Cht Kncklchst.)

Geneffects