What is all of this Y2K crap-o-la I’m seeing on TV lately? Sure, I know what it is and everything, but what’s with all the talk of people building bomb shelters and stocking up on food? That’s just what we don’t need.

When it comes to Y2K, the only thing to fear is fear itself. At worst, only mild discomfort will arise as a result of the bug. Our largest concerns are the psychos out there building compounds stocked with t.p., canned meat, and stacks of Hustlers. Don't be one of them.

What if the stock market crashes?

I say, "let it crash." Let all of the idiots lose their money, because let’s face it - when the smoke clears and the people see that the world didn’t end in January, the market is going to come right back up. I’ll tell you right now, if there is any sign of stocks going down toward the new year, that’s when I’m going to start buying. Let the suckers sell their stocks for half their price if they think the world is going to end. I’ll buy it from them.

What about food shortages?

Give me a break. Unless tractors are running COBOL code, I doubt there will be any delay in the harvests. If there are any shortages, you can blame the paranoid freaks preparing for the second coming, the big asteroid, WWIII, or the next Jerry Springer movie.

Will bombs shoot off by accident?

Remember those spy movies where there are two people with keys who have to turn them at the same time in order to launch the missile? They really have to do that. No nuclear weapons are hooked up to computers - We learned our lesson from the movie War Games, (starring a young Mathew Broderick).

To sum up:
The only thing I’m going to worry about is champagne prices going up.