Senator Helms,

The advent of the new millennium brings advances in electronics, medicine, transportation, agriculture, and, most importantly, commerce. We are at the dawn of the paperless economy. Soon, all business transactions will take place with smart cards, debit cards, eCash and credit cards. It will be a revolution in the way we earn, save, and spend our money.

I have but one question: What about the strippers? Are we so callous that we ignore the needs of the stripping members of our community? Soon the days when upstanding American men can slide folded twenty dollar bills down a stripper's smooth thigh and under her G-string will be gone forever. Are we prepared to cast aside this American institution in the name of economic progress?

I propose that we set aside at least 2.3 billion dollars of NSF funds to research a means to effectively affix garter belts with card-swiping panels. These panels will integrate standard POP and wireless technologies as well as provide universal options for "lap dance" and "titty nuzzle."

With the proper planning and funding, this dawning era could usher in a bold new "Stripper Age" with as yet unforeseen advances in the exotic, as well as the erotic, dance industries. Mr. Helms, we are at a nexus in history. The future is on all fours with her gloriously oiled buttocks tilting slightly upward, and she is crawling toward you. Do you give her ass a confident, resounding "slap," or do you silently beat off in your pants? I emplore you to not allow this opportunity to pass. History does not smile upon a man with semen encrusted shorts.

Thank you for your time.